Sunday, October 19, 2014

Book Club For Men

I went on a music trivia bar crawl yesterday where your team answered questions at various bars, and then you got the location for the next location through yet another question.  The format was fun because they had word searches, puzzles, and one thing where you had to mingle with everyone there to guess which rock band/artist they were based on a clue.  Meeting all the people was one of the best aspects of the day, and it is how I found my new book club.

Two guys were dressed as ZZ Top, but as I pointed out to them, they looked a little more like Hasidic Jews.  They said they feared the same thing as they put their outfits together.  Somehow they got talking about their book club that has been an excuse to get a night out away from their wives and rest of family to drink beer with their buddies.  They have discovered that no wife will get mad about them going out for a book club.  Pretty ingenious, actually.

Apparently one night a woman came over to their table and asked what they were up to.  They said it was a book club, and she asked if she could join.  One guy said "No way.  This is guys only."  She asked if she showed them her boobs, might that change their policy.  They talked it over and decided that this could be the one and only way they could allow a female into the group.  So she flashed her boobs, and they asked her to go ahead have a seat.  Turns out she cuts herself intentionally (self-mutilates), and at the following book club she ended up making out with an Asian woman a the bar.  She didn't show up to a third session.

I told them that the group sounds awesome, and they invited me to join (without having to show my boobs).  They just had two questions: Do I like to eat meat?  Do I drink booze?  Yes and yes!  I'm in!  I thought it was really cool that they took such a liking to me and accepted me in.  I reassured them that I won't be nearly as crazy as their and only female member.  I seriously am giddy with anticipation for the first group.  The guys seem really funny and intelligent, many are in a similar line of work as me, and I like a good excuse to get together with folks and have good conversations over a few pops.

How about you, readers?  Got any groups of friends that you meet up with through any kind of regularly scheduled club or activity?  And do you think I should try to track down the crazy boob-flasher to reinstate her membership?  

Friday, October 10, 2014

Stop! Twerking Thief!

If you go back a post or two, you'll see that a crack head went poo in a bucket in my backyard and tried to kick my landlord's door in.  And there is video of it.  A really gross video with zero wiping involved.

Mrs. Noisewater and I were just visiting her brother in Brooklyn, and it turns out he too had criminals caught on tape outside his building trying to steal and performing bodily functions - that is if tweaking is in fact a bodily function.

Apparently this duo sat outside the building robbing packages that arrived, and all the while the female thief shook her rump.  And you'll notice she is a tireless twerker.  As one resident noted:

"I'm not exaggerating when I say she did this for an hour...For an entire hour. Rest breaks were had, but she got right back up and dropped it like it was hot, often times on the lap of the man."

Now that's a good team member right there.  Thievery can be quite an ordeal, especially when you're waiting long stretches for the UPS guy.  That's when a quality crime buddy steps up and gives you a lap dance to help pass the time and keep your spirits up.  Hats off to her.

Of course, neither one of us is telling our parents because we don't want them thinking there are insane people everywhere pooing, robbing, and twerking everything they can get their hands and butts on.  But moms and dads, if you're reading, the hoodlums in both scenarios have all been caught.  And I hope the judge orders that their surveillance videos be aired on the hour in the mess hall.  

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Top 10 Nudey Scenes of All Time Is Complete!

At long last, Crom and myself are ready to present to you the Top 10 Nudey Scenes of All Time list.

First off, Crom and myself each brought to the table our own lists.  We each discussed what we liked about the scenes and our memories of them.

10. Dr. Ken: Hale Barry in “Monsters Ball”
      Crom: Accidental Call Girl in “Demolition Man.”

9. Dr. Ken: Jane Fonda in “Barbarella”
    Crom: Cindy Morgan in “Caddyshack.”

8. Dr. Ken: Joyce Hyser in “Just One of the Guys”
    Crom: Brooke Shields in “Blue Lagoon”

7. Dr. Ken: Shower Woman and Rodney Dangerfield in "Back To School"
    Crom: 3 Boob Woman in “Total Recall”

6. Dr. Ken: Rosie Perez in “White Men Can’t Jump.”  
    Crom: Linda Kolazowski in “Crocodile Dundee"

5. Dr. Ken: Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times."  
    Crom: Duck Boobs in “Howard the Duck.”

4. Dr. Ken: 'We Have Bush!' from "Revenge of the Nerds"
    Crom: A bunch of ladies in “Porky’s” 

3. Dr. Ken: Rosario Dawson in  “Alexander” 
    Crom: Cartoon Boobies in "Heavy Metal"

2. Dr. Ken: "The Godfather" Michael's first time with Sicily wife.
    Crom: Topless Random Woman in “Airplane.”

1. Dr. Ken: Heather Graham as Roller Girl in "Boogie Nights"
    Crom: Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High."

You can watch and listen to us discuss each of our personal top tens here and here.  

We then compiled our master list by discussing which we collectively thought were the best.  There were also some late arrivals that weren't in either of our lists.  

And now, behold, the Best Nudey Scenes of All Time!  Hats off to Crom for putting the graphics and pictures together right on cue.  

Or if you don't have the patience for pretty awesome podcasts, here's final list:


10. "The Godfather" Michael's first time with Sicily wife.

9. Cindy Morgan in “Caddyshack.”

8. Cartoon Boobies in "Heavy Metal"

7. Jane Fonda in “Barbarella”

6. A bunch of ladies in “Porky’s” 

5. Topless Random Woman in “Airplane.”

4. Mud Wrestlers and John Candy in "Stripes."

3. We Have Bush!' from "Revenge of the Nerds"

2. Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times."

1. Heather Graham as Roller Girl in "Boogie Nights"

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Below is a video of a crack head going poo in a bucket in my backyard and trying to break into my landlord's house.

(Notice the lack of wiping? Maybe all he was going to take if he broke in was some toilet paper . . .)

Mrs. Noisewater found the video on some guy's blog (not mine).  My landlord is a part time cop and has cameras everywhere, so he posted this video up on a crime watch site.  It quickly went viral.  Suddenly the Chicago Police Department wanted to find this guy.  Turns out he lives in Elgin, Illinois, and although CPD couldn't locate him, my landlord made a few calls and he was brought in.  Turns out that because of his now famous "shitty" break in attempt video, he was identified by someone else a few blocks down who chased him out of his apartment that poopy-pants broke into weeks earlier.  Evidently this guy comes out to the city for concerts, gets horribly drunk and full of crack, and starts breaking into apartments.

You want to know what's really weird?  We had a big BBQ in the very courtyard pictured in that video.  I remember that white bucket next to me while I was manning the grill.  When I left for work this morning, I noticed the bucket was gone.  No sense in washing that one out once someone has taken a crack-dump in it, right?

Because I'm such a clever pain in the ass, I wrote a little joke in the memo section.  My landlord is a good dude, so I think he will appreciate it.  It read:

Saturday, September 27, 2014

I like Pretty Woman.  I'm ready to admit it.  If you have been with me for a long, long time then you know that I also like "Flashdance."  I guess that both are 80's, or 80's'ish, films about working class gals getting with rich, good-looking dudes.  They are both far-fetched for sure.  One is a smoking-hot steel worker who is looking for her shot as a dancer.  The other is a street-walking hooker who lands a business mogul for a few weeks.

These are both stupid movies.

But I can't turn them off.

The women are both unbelievably hot and both have long curly hair.  I like that.  And both movies kind of suck in terms of dialogue, plot, and most everything that makes a movie good.

Yet, somehow both movies are good.

So, do you like either of these movies or both, Seven Readers?

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Okay, boys and girls.  I got a few topics in the memo thingy on my phone to talk to you all about.  Should be funny.  Here goes.

1. I used to get my haircuts at a place in Roscoe Village in Chicago that had a punk rock vibe, and I think you had to have at least a half dozen tattoos to work there.  When the gal working on me asked what I was doing I told her that I was helping a friend with dry wall in his condo.  She got excited about this and asked if I could help her out at her place.  Evidently her baby-daddy got pissed at her and punched a hole in the wall.  She seemed a little crazy, and by the sound of it, baby daddy was equally crazy and twice as violent.  Going over to her place sounded like sure fire way for Doctor Ken to a hole punched in his head, so I made an excuse to decline the offer.  I actually damn near leapt out of the chair with my hair half cut.
Dry Wall Punch: Makes You Feel Better.
2. I met up with my buddy's uncle last night.  I call him my uncle too.  He was nine or ten Schlitz deep as he was telling me that his work is trying to eliminate his position and trying to find a way to let him go.  Which might not be hard because apparently he called his boss an idiot.  Actually, it was his boss's boss, which sounds worse to me.  They sent him to the human resources guy who had his hair parted and draping high off of his head, spritzed down with aqua net, and when he talked his hair bounced around merily.  The HR guy said that it seemed as if Not-Uncle had a hard time looking him in the eye, and he inquired if maybe he had a hard time looking other coworkers in the eye, and he had to fight telling him that it was due to Not-Uncle being unable to take his eye off of HR guy's horrible parted hair bouncing around.  Had he knocked back one or two of those Schlitz at work, I'm quite sure he would have told him as much.  Not-Uncle is one of the funniest humans on planet earth.

Spray that part down and just watch it bounce!
3. I was at the doctor today because work has been stressful and making me break out with cole sores lately.  I guess it's herpes but not dick-herpes, thankfully.  But I don't want to give Mrs. Noisewater the gift that keeps on giving down in her nether regions the next time I decide to pay a visit to her . . .  Anyway, figured it's a good idea to get some good medication.  So the doctor is describing how people get it, and she says "You know, you might get it as a kid when an uncle kisses you and . . ."  I laughed my ass off and said, "What in the hell?!"  What crazy disease infested uncle is kissing his nephews on the lips?  I think she might want to rethink the vignettes she uses to illustrate these types of ailments.
"Come here and give your Uncle Rico a kiss."
4. Then when I'm walking home from the doctor, still mulling over the doctor's pervert uncle stories, I see a guy fighting with his girlfriend with his hands on his head and looking like he would rather be anywhere but on that corner right then.  More like she was fighting and he was just staring helplessly off in space.  A block later I saw another couple in the same scenario.  So I started singing "Run To the Hills" by Iron Maiden, as if to say run for the hills, young man!  I think this is a good idea to help out my fellow man.  Try this out some time, readers.

Enjoy your day and thanks for reading.

Saturday, September 13, 2014


I had a boner dream the other night.  It wasn't a full on wet dream because I'm too old for those.  I would wager those rear their messy heads somewhere between once every four or five years these days.  A boner dream falls short of those.  It's one where you're on the verge of eruption when you wake up.  Hell, those only seem to cum (come) around once a year or so now that I think about it.

My morning was 10% as sexy as this.
Now, I don't really have a problem with a stiff wake up call on a Thursday morning, but what I do take issue with is that what was happening in the dream was simply me having a wank in my apartment.  Is that the best my brain's run down dream factory could come up with?  Dreams can do anything they want - they can fly me to Jupiter - but what am I doing?  Pulling myself off with my pants around my ankles in my dusty Chicago apartment.  The foreman at my dream factory needs to be fired.

A dream factory within a perfect mind could have had me at a fashion show where the supermodels would walk down the catwalk, backstage to me on a bearskin rug where I'm naked and smoking a pipe, she does the nasty with Doctor Ken, puts on a new outfit and parades back to the catwalk, just in time for a new one come to come backstage, and so forth.  And that's just off the top of my head!

"Take a quick bow and hurry back to the bearskin rug."

As a matter of fact, my boner dream could have taken me to a mythical land of insatiable creatures.  Dr. Ken could have been lying happily in a forest with ferries fluttering around his face, landing gently on his face, when a mermaid comes by.  Or a unicorn.  Hell, make it a winged mermaid princes with a big glowing horn jutting out of her head like a unicorn.  Somehow she rocks that horn; She owns it and makes it sexy.  She saunters over to me horny as hell, tells all the little ferries to piss off, mounts me, grinds away, and her wings are flapping in ecstasy.  Soon she is getting worked up enough to make her horn glow bright red and offers to do crazy horn penetration with me, but I politely tell her I'm not quite ready to take that plunge with her.  But maybe when I get to know her better.

This was the afternoon the woman of my dreams was conceived.
After hours and hours she finally has a powerful mergasm (which everyone knows is a mermaid orgasm) which blasts fairy dust in a 100 yard radius, knocking back the trees within the first few feet of her and making anything in its vicinity hornier than hell.  Which happens to be a centaur named Bill who trots over and pulls "the cable guy" in a porno movie on me, asking if he can join the party.  Mer-Pegasus-Unicorn lady is totally into it, but I'm not a three way dude.  Even if I were, two guys and a girl is not for me, so me and a centaur is totally out of the question - and to be honest a little intimidating.  So I excuse myself and step away to sulk under a tree, pouting about my slutty mythical beast woman who has left me for a giant horse-man.

How can I be expected to compete with this guy?
When they finish up, I thought I had gotten far enough away to get out of the range of her mergasm blast, but Bill made her fire out fairy dust twice as far.  That damn dust works its magic on me, and even though I hate myself by this point, I can't help masturbating.  And there I am tugging away with the stupid little fairies buzzing around laughing at me, and I'm whipping rocks at them, crying, and yelling at them to go away.  And that's where my boner dream would pick up, skipping all that awesome stuff you read about a minute ago . . .