Friday, April 18, 2014

"Herpes Simplex 2: Part 1."

(The title doesn't mean there will be more parts to this story.  I just thought it was a funny title, like "Rambo: First Blood Part 2.  Let me know what you think, readers.)

Joanie and Jon are enjoying steaks fresh off the grill, seated at the dining room table in their modest two bedroom ranch style house that they rent, with their one-year-old daughter sound asleep in the next room.

"So, how was work, babe?" Asks Joanie, smiling lovingly, as she refills Jon's wine glass."

"Thanks.  It was okay.  The doctor visit wasn't as good though.  Got some kind of bad news, I guess."

"Oh no!  What is it?" Asks Joanie, setting her fork down, wiping her mouth and turning to give him her full attention.

"He dropped the H-Bomb on my ass."

Joanie furrows her brow trying to figure out just what in the hell that meant.

"I got the herpes, babe."

Joanie abruptly stands up, puts her hands on both sides of her head, makes a face of hers that Jon knows all too well as pure anguish and begins to pace the around their narrow dining room.

"Hey, relax, it's not a big deal" says Jon, trying to calm her down, but it wasn't working.

"But it is.  It's completely my fault.  I know the exact time where I gave it to you.  I sort of felt an outbreak coming on but thought maybe I was just itchy down there because I didn't wear undies that day and my jeans were rubbing me funny."

Jon starts to laugh, "It's totally fine" he said, continuing to cut and take bites of his steak.

"Are you kidding!?  It's a huge deal.  I've infected you.  Yuck.  I'm so gross.  And now you have it for life too!  Why aren't you mad at me!"

"Why would I be mad?" Jon asks, slugging back the rest of his wine.

Joanie is now even more visibly upset "Because not only did I give it to you, but I did so recklessly, taking a chance like that only to give you the "h-bomb," as you so grossly put it.

"Hey," Jon says, "I'm allowed to make jokes like that with you now.  We're herp buddies.  For life."

Joanie, "Stop messing around!  You always make jokes instead of say how you feel, but if you're mad, I wish you'd just tell me.  Because I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself.  I know I was a wreck when I got it.  You maybe just haven't allowed it all to sink in quite yet."

"Listen, babe" as Jon grabs her by the hand, "I knew one day you would likely give me this thing.  I was going to get it sooner or later.  Who really cares?  I don't plan on going anywhere or being with anyone else."

Joanie persisted,"But you don't know that!  Would if you found yourself single and stuck with a lifelong STD?  You would curse my name for the remainder of your days."

"Nah, I'd just sign up for herpdate.com and meet some insane, horny herpes chicks.  Hahaha.  I'm sorry.  But seriously, to be honest, I freaked out for a minute in the doctor's office, but by the time I got to the car, I was like: I got herpes for life.  And I got Joanie for life.  And I have our beautiful daughter for life.  And it's okay.  It's more than okay.  It's perfect.  I love you, Joanie."

Joanie cried and threw her arms around him, and after the crying had subsided and he had kissed away the last of her tears, they made completely risk free love on the floor, as to not wake their daughter because their crappy bed always creaked loudly.

5 comments:

JerseySjov said...

my donor was tested and found negative for the big guys (HIV, hepatitis), but there's always a chance of something lurking in there. one day, well before the surgery, my bf said "what if you get herpes from your new heart?" I shrugged and said "then you would get herpes, too" and that was the end of it. for all the jokes/stigma, it's really nbd for most folks.

Mr. Shife said...

You should write for Hallmark, Dr. Ken. Beautiful and touching. Have you heard this one? Why shouldn't you eat your girlfriend's peas? Because they are herpes.
Take care buddy.

Gorilla Bananas said...

This is a great study in what it means to be an understanding husband. He isn't even curious to know how his wife got infected. I heard a rumour that Rihanna has the herp.

Jimmy Fungus said...

That is true love no doubt. But if I was in Jon's shoes, I know Joanie would end up leaving me eventually, and I would become greatly depressed and end up bellowing out a melancholic version of "The Last Day of our Acquaintance" by Sinead Oconnor.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: Hoping your heart is disease free. My dad just had heart surgery, and that is a really tough recovery. Hang in there!

Shife: Thanks. And cute joke. I just shared that one with Mrs. Noisewater. We like jokes like that one.

Gorilla: I wrote it thinking he already knew how she got it, and they got it before they met. That probably didn't come across. Anyway, him being understanding evidently came across, and that's the big one I was going for. : )

Jimmy: I will have to look that song up, but it would be way better if you posted a bellowing version on your blog.